When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
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When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door