[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
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Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
When I snag the last meatball.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”