All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.