Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*