Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Seems kinda suspicious
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.