my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
real
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Pickled cat.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever