I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
You Might Also Like
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Don’t snitch tag.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”