Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.