he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
You Might Also Like
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
you have three unread messages
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.