my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
You Might Also Like
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I forgot how to panic. Help
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.