A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?