My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
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Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Haha! 😂
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?