I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?