A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore