me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.