Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.