My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My brain is a bad influence on me
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*