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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.