Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
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“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!