Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
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Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.