13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
our love story in four pictures
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
“I’m helping” 😅