Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.