Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
welcome back
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly