I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Still cracks me up
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”