When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
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wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
What a year we’ve had this week.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
In banana years, I am bread.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…