My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.