Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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We need to put an American base on the sun
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Admin smashed it 😂
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.