IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear