work smarter, not harder
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“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
*frowns in Scottish*
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.