Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied