The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
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[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA