seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.