*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
You Might Also Like
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*