Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
At an art museum and I thought this was art