I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
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[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
No, I don’t think I will.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]