“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*