I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
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Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
That took me a moment.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Here’s a meme
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: