Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
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[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I love the honesty
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..