Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Not all heroes wear capes.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Strange