My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Just me?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My sex drive has a dui
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful