I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs