Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
the red hot silly peppers