Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
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[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
gm
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Netflix: We have Less