my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets