You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
You Might Also Like
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.