In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
How it started: How it’s going:
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.