Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.