It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
i have one speed and it’s mosey
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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