Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.