I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
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My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.